Ocean Soul
by Tamika DanarDraco
Summary: I scream and scream and no one will ever hear me. Am I dead? It wouldn't make any difference. This is it, One more night to bear with this nightmare, what more do I have to say? Warning: Suicide, Angst.
1. Ocean Soul

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon! Get over it!

Warnings: Mentions of MxM pairings, Taito, DEAL. This fic deals with real life, SM-self-mutilation-, depression, rape, abuse, and suicide. If you think these things exist only in people's imagination and Fanfiction. Leave. Now.

A/N: I know, yet another Yama angst fic from me, this is a song fic to Ocean Soul by Nightwish which I was listening at 2:00 in the morning, I'm suicidal, I have been, and still am going through SM, so in all I'm fucking depressed and I haven't slept for three days. This is what happens when you put me in front of a computer in that state.

_One more night_

_To bear with this nightmare,_

_What more do I have to say?_

_Crying for me was never worth a tear_

_My lonely soul is only filled with fear,_

_Long hours of loneliness,_

_Between me and the sea_

I scream and scream and no one will ever hear me. Am I dead? It wouldn't make any difference. If I was dead I wouldn't stand here day after day holding the broken shards of a mirror in my hand. If I was dead I wouldn't scream and rip my arms to shreds. If I was dead it wouldn't make any difference.

I'm standing in the bathroom, glass in my hand my arms bloody and its starting to pool on the floor. The blood, rich and dark like wild berries. My blood is chop berry red. Look at me! I'm laughing, laughing like it's all some kind of sick twisted joke. And I can't stop myself; it makes the fury rise in me, deep and uncontrollable, like some kind of beast. My voice is cracking as I run out of breath because of my laughter. I hate this I hate it! I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!

_Losing devotion_

_Finding emotion_

_Should I dress in white_

_And search the sea?_

_As I always wished to be,_

_One with the waves,_

_Ocean soul_

But I can't give it up. There's one thing that's keeping me tied down. I don't know what it is but it just won't leave me alone. I can't believe this; I'm on the floor, crying like some fucking baby! Why can't I just cut deep enough? Hard enough? Why can't I just let go! I don't want to keep going through this hell. Every damn day I go through it all again; the pain, the shame, the humiliation. And there's nothing I can do to make it stop. I want to die, cheat them of their victim but there's this one ray of light. This little niggling voice in the back of my fucked up mind that calls me away from the darkness I so want to embrace. I can even put a name to that voice; Yagami Taichi. The boy I'm in love with, so I'm gay, well shoot me, I couldn't care any less if I tried. Sometimes, sometimes I want to break and tell him everything, everything that I've been through.

_Walking the tide line_

_I hear your name,_

_It's angels whispering_

_Something so beautiful it hurts_

But I hate myself afterwards; hate myself for even thinking of showing weakness. Weakness is a way for them to get to me, and I can't let them do that. But they can already break me, and it makes me want to die more than anything else. I hate them, I want to rip out their guts, burn them alive, do _something, anything_ to make them feel even a fraction of the hell they've put me through.

Suddenly I'm on my feet. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE! I'm screaming, screaming out all my pain and misery. It's so unfair, I shouldn't have to go through this, no one should. The tears are coming fast now, this is it. No more pain.

One wrist, open and bleeding.

I won't have to go through the abuse they throw at me. I won't have to suffer another rape. I won't have to wonder about my pitiful existence.

My right wrist is all pretty and red now, matching the other. I feel… fuzzy, it's nice… there's pain… yes, but it doesn't… hurt… in a normal way. Everything's… fading… many shades of… grey… darkness… peace… safety… warmth… I loved you Taichi… goodbye… no regrets… nothing…

_I only wished to become _

_Something so beautiful_

_Through my music_

_Through my silent devotion._

* * *

A/N: Hummm… depressed me; depressed/suicidal/SM/Murderous characters.

Sorry if I bummed any of you out, but hey. Poor Yama. All feed back is welcome, even if you flame me, I won't pay any attention to nasty reviews but hey… they say all press is good press. Tami


	2. How did it feel?

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon! Get over it!

Warnings: Mentions of MxM pairings, Taito, DEAL. Also mentions of SM (Self-mutilation) rape, abuse, suicide etc.

A/N: Tai's P.O.V for this chapter, originally this fic was gonna be a one-shot but I thought it might be kinda cool to see things from other's P.O.V, sooooo here we go. I wrote the lyrics in this chapter! Whoooo! This whole chapter is just gonna be the poem/song thingy I wrote instead of the last chappy, Kay?

APOLOGY: I can never make things rhyme BTW! So I'm apologising in advance!

I walked in one night,

There weren't no light

In your empty place

Walking down the hall

Staring at your wall

I needed to see your face

I knew before

I opened the door

What I would find

It was to late for you

How wish to hate you

For being so unkind

How could you do this to you?

Did you think no one would miss you?

How did it feel?

Oh how did it feel?

To be on your own?

Facing the complete unknown

Just one last kiss

A stolen one you won't miss

Pressed to your frozen lips

I just want to tell you

That I'd go through hell for you

I'll never hear your quips

You'll never joke with your friends

Is this where it all ends?

Whatever we had, it's over

Without you I'll fall apart

Cause you broke my heart

You were like my four-leafed clover

How could you do this to you?

Did you think no one would miss you?

How did it feel?

Oh how did it feel?

To be on your own?

Facing the complete unknown

Without you I'll fall apart

Cause you broke my heart

I loved you

You and I could have been more

I thought as I stand by the door

Looking at you

Everything is broken

You didn't leave me a final token

I wish you loved me

Your words are coming back

Reminding me of what I lack

Why didn't you see?

How could you do this to you?

Did you think no one would miss you?

How did it feel?

Oh how did it feel?

To be on your own?

Facing the complete unknown

Why didn't you see?

See how much you mean to me?

Oh, I wish could have been

What will I do,

Without you?

We would have made quite a scene

Standing hand in hand

Imagine the faces of your band

When they saw us together

I would never have hurt you

Never pushed you in the dirt

Never held you on a tether.

How could you do this to you?

Did you think no one would miss you?

How did it feel?

Oh how did it feel?

To be on your own?

Facing the complete unknown

I left your place one night

Never having turned on the light

I left you there on the floor

Running for my life

Reaching out for the knife

No time to waste, not even to close the door

I want to die

But I can't lie

I don't want to go

I gotta keep your memory alive

I can't, won't take a dive

I'm screaming out that one word: NO!

How could you do this to you?

Did you think no one would miss you?

How did it feel?

Oh how did it feel?

To be on your own?

Facing the complete unknown

Don't want to go

That's what I know

Gotta be true

Yama, I know you needed me

But why couldn't you see

This love I have for you

Don't say it's not real

The scars would have healed

You would have had love

I would have watched over you

Kept you away from the blue

Let you fly like a dove

How could you do this to you?

Did you think no one would miss you?

How did it feel?

Oh how did it feel?

To be on your own?

Facing the complete unknown

Oh how did it feel?

How did it feel?


End file.
